Blog, Fit2B Magazine
The Strength We Need For Our Dying Parents
It was the final transfer, and it was a moment I had spent years training for without realizing. As I lifted my mother-in-law from where she sat slumped unconscious in our biggest, coziest wingback chair, I could clearly see the big picture of women needing to be strong.
“She’s transitioning. This now becomes end of life care. It will be hours or maybe a few days.”
A medical bed was ordered. Her meds were shifted. I called my husband home from work. We sent texts. A friend went to the grocery store. I cancelled plans. My home got rearranged for the 4th time in as many months. Another friend brought coffee. Family called.
When it was time to move her to her medical bed, my husband asked how? He said he couldn’t. I said I could.
Some might think it’s improper, but I asked my husband to take pictures as I carefully lifted his mother and carried her out of the bedroom she’d used for a harrowing 4 months. I’m glad he obliged me. I wanted to capture this moment between his mother and me.
She and I had navigated a strained relationship for 25 years. She had been a fiercely independent homesteader, avid gardener, feisty woman of faith, and community volunteer. She prided herself on being needed, not needing help from anyone – pushing away anyone who tried to get close – but she’d called me her dear one a few days before she fell asleep for good. She’d whispered a hundred thanks in her final few months. All the pain she’d caused me felt forgiven as I carried her down the hall, around 3 corners, out into the living room, and into the dining room where her medical bed was humming.
Being able to carry her made me proud of all my hard work – showing up physically, emotionally and spiritually – in those past four traumatic months.
I will treasure this moment for the rest of my life.
Many of you may have followed my journey of caring for her on instagram stories. I’d get on late at night for “Beth After Dark” and share what I was experiencing. Along the way, we figured out that she had multiple forms of dementia, and she needed every bit of our time, strength, and advocacy in her final days.
As I publish this, it’s been just an over a year since she first arrived with one change of clothes, 2 packed of depends, and no ID. It’s been just over a year since the moment since I found out she weighed a mere 98 pounds, and I was struggling a bit to lift her.
It’s been just over a year since I got even more serious about lifting heavier weights, just over a year since I became even more purposeful about practicing my balance and coordination, just over a year since I began doing brain exercises too!
I’ve always enjoyed lifting weights, teaching others how to do use dumbbells and kettledbells at home, and I’ve always felt strong, but I was never more aware of the fact that little dumbbells in my hands weren’t going to match life true demands as I was when she was with us.
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Due to 24/7 caregiving, running this business, still being a wife, mom, and all the things at the same time, sure, there were plenty of days that I felt like I had no time to workout, but just 2-3 times a week, I’d show up for my weight sessions. I bought heavier weights and worked on specific moves like deadlifts, overhead presses, curls, pushups, and pull ups which all translated to the motions and demands of caregiving.
As it turns out, rolling a nearly-dead person back and forth on a sheet to change them is EXACTLY like an upright row. Helping someone up and down off the toilet feels a lot like the most intimate partner squat. Getting someone up off the floor they’ve fallen is like deadlifting. Carrying someone to their final resting place is one long, steady bicep curl.
What is your takeaway here?
Well, no one ate better and lived cleaner off-grid than my mother in law, so maybe it’s that you can be super healthy and still need people to take care of you one day, so maybe be nice to your sons and daughters in law… because they might be the ones wiping your tushie one day…
Maybe it’s to evaluate where your parents or in-laws are at and get real honest about whether they’re strong enough to keep living independently (and for how long) and whether you’re strong enough to lift them up and down off a toilet should they need to come live out their final days with you… because assisted living is averaging 7k-11k per month right now…
Maybe it’s to start lifting those little weights now and keep getting stronger, letting time and consistency change those 5 pounders to 8 pounders to 10 to 20 to 30… up to 95 lbs which is how much her skeletal self weighed that day in my arms… because your partner or husband might not be able to do it.
Leave a comment!
I haven’t blogged in a while, and I think it’s because this one was sitting in draft mode. I needed to finally get it out before I can now write more again. So tell me what you think? Have you experienced caregiving for a dying family member? What’s your best advice to others who might be in the trenches of caring for a loved one?
Oh and by the way: Do you want home workouts? Want to learn how to lift weights from the comfort and privacy of your living room? Explore workouts with me here on Fit2B and select one of our affordable fitness memberships!
